Guidelines to Fight By: Navigating Disagreement with Respect
Fighting is a part of life, and miscommunications are inevitable. To ensure that a disagreement remains a healthy conversation rather than an escalation, I recommend following these foundational guidelines.
The Golden Rules of Engagement
Do not interrupt: Allow each other the space to finish a thought.
Stay Calm: Be respectful and maintain a neutral tone.
Validate, Validate, Validate: Use phrases like, “I can see you are frustrated,” or “I’m sorry that you feel hurt.”
Focus on the Present: Bringing up unresolved past issues often causes an escalation. Stay on the topic at hand.
Set Firm Boundaries: It is okay to say, “If the yelling continues, I will walk away.”
No Personal Attacks: Avoid name-calling, put-downs, or attacking one’s character.
Proactive Planning: The "Time Out" Strategy
The best time to discuss a "fight plan" is when both parties are at peace. Ideally, you should have these tactics ready before things turn toxic.
The Code Word: Choose a word that signifies it’s time to walk away. It could be "Time Out" or something random like "Sloth."
The Action Plan: When the code word is called, have a plan for physical space. Does one person take the living room and the other the bedroom?
Sit With Your Emotions: During the break, go for a walk, journal, or meditate. Ask yourself: “What is actually happening right now? Am I triggered in a specific way?”
The Commitment to Return: Most importantly, come back to the conversation. Whether it’s in 20 minutes or the next day, establish a time to reconnect once both parties are calm.
Phrases for Healthy Resolution
Once the "fight" becomes a "conversation," these phrases can help bridge the gap:
“It seems we remember that happening differently; let's move on.” (This avoids the trap of trying to "prove" a memory).
“I feel _________ because _________.” (I-statements take the focus off blame).
“What I hear you saying is _________.” (Repeating what you heard gives the other person a chance to clarify or confirm).
These phrases are also beneficial during any conversation or disagreement. Reframing how we speak to others is a core pillar of the work I do with individuals.
About the Author
Sarah Lacy, LPCC is an EMDR Specialist and Life Coach based in Rocky River, Ohio. She provides in-person support to the Lakewood, Westlake, and Bay Village communities, as well as Telehealth sessions throughout the state.
If these words resonate with you, reach out to take the next step in your healing journey.
